This is Her Story

everyone has a story. this is mine.

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holy

what does being holy look like today?

i feel like i’ve never used that term to describe anybody but God. however, doesn’t God call us to “be holy because [God] is holy?” so… why not? i mean, i can describe a lot of people who totally love Jesus and are living pretty amazing Christian walks, but i don’t think i would necessarily call them “holy.” i think the only time i’ve ever actually called somebody “holy” was in a joking manner and mainly because they prayed a lot. i guess being holy calls priests or pastors into mind as well… and maybe the pope, too. hm…

this question came to me while i was sitting in traffic today. yeah, i know, right? i don’t often think about humanity’s destiny, but when i do, i go deep.

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sin no more

sometimes i question my motives behind choosing to believe in christianity. is it really because of the good news of the Gospel? or is it because of some predestined, socio-economic blurb (that i won’t go into in this post)? am i in it for the life-changing truths of salvation? or am i just going from sermon to sermon for the moral life lessons? (note: i’m not saying that one is bad and the other is good, or that you can’t have one without the other, that’s not the point of this post.)

what IS the point of this post is that i have once again found myself in sin. usually, at the end of the day, i look back at the events of the past 24 hours and i can ashamedly point out the exact moments when i was just diving headlong into sin. the next thing i find myself thinking is: “sorry God, i’ll try harder next time not to sin.” 

but wait. next time? try? when i caught myself thinking this time and time again, i realized that i had it all wrong. first off, when was being holy something that mere humans could try to be successfully? if trying out of our own strength, then of course not. however, with the power of the Holy Spirit, it is something that can be done. so rather than depending solely on my own willpower (or lack thereof) to not fall into sin, i should be crying out the God for His strength to get me through it every time (or all the time!).

the other thing that really bothered me was the “next time.” why should there be a next time? if i had been running to God every time i was tempted to backslide into my own brokenness, then there shouldn’t be a “next time.” so why am i anticipating another chance to sin?  

they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do You say?” … When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, “Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?” 
She said, “No one, Lord.”
And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.”

-John 8:4-5,10-11

it clearly wasn’t a “oh, you made a boo-boo? i’mma let you off this time. just try not to do it again.” or as the Poisonwood Bible says to “sin on more.” i think the gravity of the situation that the woman found herself in caused her to be much more conscious of whether or not she ever sinned again. i mean, if all of us were to be a slow and painful stoning away from dying in our sins, i think we would all think twice before sinning ever again. is that to say that the woman never sinned again? or that we won’t ever sin again? of course not. but it doesn’t give us an allowance for sin to prevail in our lives either. 

God’s wrath was poured out on Jesus, while the blessings of His mercy have fallen onto us. this is why we take communion—to be reminded of how Jesus paid for our sins in full. and this is why we celebrate Good Friday and Easter—to be reminded of the death and resurrection of our Lord, Christ Jesus, who conquered sin and death so that we no longer have to be shackled to a life of sin and meaningless repentance. there is a way to be good again—the way that we were supposed to be. and it’s through Jesus. 

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things about places…

austin—i like how the city never quite goes to sleep

colorado—i like how the stars actually lit up the sky

taiwan—i like the public transportation system. and the food… oh, the foods. 

houston—i hate how leaves can look like frogs.

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there are dreamers and there are realists in this world. you would think that the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not, the opposite is true. you see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. and the realists… well, without the dreamers, they may not ever get off the ground.

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Permalink it’s days like today that make me question just who i am. when i look at myself in the mirror, sometimes i can’t help but wonder who the person looking back really is. maybe it’s just because i haven’t taken much time within the past few years to throughly examine myself, but i still know that i’ve changed—i’m not the same girl that i was four years ago… i’m not even the same person that i was a year ago…  and while i’ve had anything but a hard life, the trials that i’ve had to face in my own lifetime tempt me to turn towards bitterness and cynicism for companionship. but in reality, what good reason do i have to be angry or upset with my circumstances? sure, i have my own inner demons that i struggle with, but who doesn’t?  regardless of what i’ve gone through, and no matter how hard i try to run from God, everything always seems to come right back to Him. in my job search, the lack of financial security, i am constantly reminded that God will provide, and wherever i end up, i should strive to work for His glory. in my relationships with others, especially through the highs and lows, it’s seems inevitable that they mirror my relationship with Christ. in my constant fretting over boys, i have to remember that God has a plan and i just need to wait on Him. and as frustrating as it gets sometimes, especially when i want to call it quits and live my life however i please, i am gently (and sometimes not-so-gently) reminded that i simply can’t escape God. so when i stop and look back, i don’t just see who i used to be and who i became—i see a broken version of myself being carried on by a God who never abandoned me.  
Permalink confession: books and video games are the same thing to me—a break from reality. however, strangely enough, literature is far more dangerous and consuming for me. it may just be the fact that there is no visual aid that makes my imagination spur to life. the dangerous part? sometimes i start losing a grasp of what’s real and what’s merely a fantasy. 
Permalink i’ve been traveling down this path for so long, sometimes i forget why i’m here.  it’s times like these when i have to stop and look back at how i got to where i am today. i have to recall that i am nothing—that everything that i’ve worked for and achieved adds up to so little. the only one who should receive any praise and acclamation for anything is God. without Him, none of it matters… none of it counts.  so no matter how far and long i travel down this path, no matter distant the goal seems, my sole comfort through it all is the constant presence of God above.  
Permalink i’ve been trying to find the “right” time and place to start posting again… but as the weeks go by, i’m starting to realize that there really isn’t a “right” topic that’ll get me to start writing again. i’ve been making excuses for not posting by saying that i haven’t found the “right” subjects to take photos of, or i’m still not used to my new camera, or any other “wrong” conditions i can come up with. the truth of the matter is that i’m not going through an emotionally constipated stage—i’m just as emotional as ever. there’s an F in my ESFJ personality for a reason. i guess i’m just hiding because i’m afraid that by writing and posting about all the emotional turmoil i’m going through it’ll become real. but the problem is that it IS real. so here i go again…
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i need a new camera…

just another thing to add to my ever-growing list of things i’d like to buy if i ever have the money… 

i feel like i haven’t blogged in a while, or if i have blogged, it wasn’t a “raw” post.
i guess i’m just becoming rather emotionally constipated.

Permalink pumpkin pancakes and pecan syrup.two simple things that instigated the following comment: “stacy, one day you’ll make some man very, very happy” harmless comment, really. some would even consider it to be a compliment. but when those words fell on my ears, i couldn’t help but wonder: what if i don’t? lately, i’ve been consumed by doubts and worries from my own insecurities. i know that i’ll be okay at the end of the day, but it doesn’t stop me from questioning the point of it all as i’m in the midst of it. i find myself wondering if i will actually get a job offer, where i’ll end up due to work, or if i’ll ever meet mr. right…. i know that this next stage of life should be exciting, but i feel disillusioned to it all. i don’t know… sometimes, i just want to call it quits.
Permalink i-imagine-i-believe: I fell apart but got back up again and then i fell apart but got back up again Alibi - 30 Seconds to Mars … story of my life…
Permalink i feel like my job search is starting to become a rehash of my experience with boys… sigh.
Permalink i always get these nightmares where i’m eating something hard or i’m doing some sort of extreme sport, and then the next thing i know, my teeth have all fallen out. the scary part of this is that the dreams seem so real that i spend probably a good portion of the night freaking out over what to do with my toothless mouth. i’m pretty sure this is one of those freudian dreams where my deepest, darkest fears are revealed in my dreams.hopefully, this lovely “close call” for my teeth will be the worst thing that’ll ever happen to them. i think i’d cry if my teeth actually come falling out of my mouth. 
Permalink “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials…” James 1:2 not that i necessarily consider my present predicament as a “trial,” but job hunting has never been easy for me either. when i was in high school, i applied to a hefty total of 17 jobs, 2 of which called me back for an interview, and 1 of which offered me a job. so i guess one could say that i’m quite used to rejection. but it still hurts. and it sucks. hearing my classmates excitedly talk about having to prepare for interviews and walking past the full interview waiting room on the third floor is nothing short of disheartening. at the same time, i want to be excited for my friends and total strangers, knowing that they’re one step closer to achieving their dreams and goals. however, being left behind still stinks… i don’t like being the debbie-downer, but i don’t like having to fake my smile (or what’s left of it). i can’t help but feel my heart sink whenever i check my email and find that i’m unwanted yet again. i try to tell myself that they’re missing out by not allowing me a chance, but at the same time, i figure that they’re justified in their decision. honestly, what do i have to offer that my classmates don’t? i try to convince myself that it’s all in God’s plan. it’s head knowledge, for sure, but my heart believes that i’m just not good enough. i know that God will provide, and all these rejections are just preparing me for what God has in store. but it’s so hard to convince my heart to accept it.